Dear Neurotic Poet,
I'm not sure who said, "I'm a writer, let the world consider
itself forewarned," but maybe the sentiment applies because you've
expressed guilt, apprehension or both about blogging, and have second guessed
then edited posts out of fear of hurting someone.
My guess, the one you'll hurt is yourself. By censoring yourself, I
mean. Because you're like my baby brother who directs everything internally.
For instance, he was once so torn up about a failing relationship he held his
arm over a sink then went at his hand with a knife. "It was like every
drop of blood relieved my pain." He hurts himself less the more often he
writes.
Same here. I did once tell you writing has kept me alive.
I do consider writing my Personal Jesus.
Since I've known you, you've admitted you need a "reason"
to write; and the reason a long time was college because of the structure and
feedback. I've always hoped a desire to survive and egocentric indulgence would
be enough. After all, you have a remarkable talent, and I've realized lately
I've told more than one person that, and sometimes he or she appreciates the
accolade, and keeps writing this incredible stuff, but sometimes he or she
doesn't. I get mad when you fail to recognize your own talent. I feel even
angrier when I wonder if you don't care you're talented.
Little while ago you said you began blogging in order to
"force" yourself to write, and I was glad, because I figured you'd
get turned on by blogging. Chelsea Girl of Pretty
Dumb Things said she began to blog as a way to express stuff she couldn't
express otherwise. Maybe she'd hit a wall as a writer too; I don't know.
Do you write more now than before you blogged?
Rainer Maria Rilke once urged a young poet to ask himself, "Do
I need to write?" And if the poet's reply was affirmative, Rilke then
encouraged said poet to "build your whole life in accordance with this
necessity."
Back in the day, writers wrote letters to one another, almost impulsively,
and often forged intimate bonds as a result. Stephen King suggests everything
we write is a letter addressed to one person. Do bloggers blog to forge bonds?
Do we blog in order to enter a conversation or start one?
Without doubt, blogging offers writers another vehicle for self
expression, for communication with a larger world. Maybe what Chelsea Girl
suspected was that blogging would encourage her to make sense of inner turmoil
via an external connect. We write to an audience not into a void. (Wasn't it
the villain from Lord of the Rings
who said, there is no life in the void?)
OK, when blogging as when forging all creative non-fiction, morality
comes into play. Certainly if you or I write to destroy another human being
opposed to attempting to make sense of a situation, we're writing for the wrong
reason.
That was the problem I found in teaching creative non-fiction to
students. They cast themselves as victims. Poor me. Wah, wah, wah. Counter
productive and a drag to read. So I used to give them assignments. For example,
write from the perspective of a bully, or write about a bully who tormented you
in school but then conclude your narrative with a revelation about said bully,
a.k.a. reveal their humanity.
Hard to do but much more complex and therefore inspiring.
The worst non-fiction book I ever read was Mommy Dearest. That writer should have stepped away from the
keyboard. What was the point other than to crucify Joan Crawford? I sure as
hell don't condone child abuse, but I'm wondering what the writer's motivation
was? Said book as is leads me to conclude the writer simple wanted me to hate
her mother. Fine. I hate her. Now what?
I had a student once who told me everything was black or white, good
or bad, wrong or right. Nothing in life was gray, and he refused to entertain
ambiguity. His autobiographical essays were terrible, by the way. Recently, I
read an interview with David Sedaris in which he said he never reads
autobiography for "truth" anyway. Because we're not capable of telling
the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help us God because there is no truth, only perspective, just as there's
no answer, only more questions.
Therefore, how could ambiguity not exist?
I think the scariest blogs I've posted involved myself. Me, myself,
and I. Posts about my father felt scary too, mainly because I love my father,
have felt angry at him a long time and allowed my relationship with him to
influence my relationships with other men. Sometimes, I can't help it; it's
like a knee jerk reaction. However, writing about our relationship has helped
put my dysfunction into perspective. Finally I'm more interested in peace of
mind than making excuses for my dysfunction or passing blame. We're accustomed
to that in our society: passing the buck, shifting blame.
The idea writing helps us confront our own demons is an age-old one,
isn't it? In graduate school, one of my mentors said if it didn't hurt to write
we shouldn't bother writing it. Idea being you
must expose the pain in order to exorcise the demon. So there you are,
Neurotic Poet, confronting the pain and spilling your guts and the process
feels very much like that knife across your skin. You've got your pants down
around your ankles, ass hanging out. And no, I don't like the idea just anyone
could land on my blog and get a good long look at my ass either.
On the other hand, the assumption more than say, twenty people will
read my blog, is a pretty incredible one! Regardless, I've woke at night and
thought, Oh my god did I fucking write
that? I have also become so sick of myself I committed blog homicide. Like,
shut the fuck up already. You sad little ego maniac.
You could write anonymously. Chelsea Girl does and in doing so
secures a buffer between her audience and her subjects. Funny thing though,
Chelsea Girl winds up the most exposed, not matter who or what she writes
about. So although she wears a mask of anonymity, she's the most honest person
I don't know.
Maybe that's what they mean when they say fiction is more honest.
Obviously not every writer in the blogosphere spills her guts Gwen
Masters posts excerpts from published works. Susie Bright blogs about politics
and current events. Alison Tyler spins lush yarns of is-this-or-is-this-not
sexual autobiography? Shanna Germain stated she keeps her blog to the bare
minimum because her good stuff is for sale. These women are not only talented
writers who are widely published but brilliant marketeers.
*Make note.
A blog can be whatever you want. What you want most is to write. You
need to write because it will keep you here with us. The other day Chelsea Girl
wrote something on her blog that brought me solace, so maybe you'll like it
too. She said something like, readers may believe they know everything there is
to know about me as a result of reading my blog, even faithfully so every day,
but they do not. We do not.
You can't represent the magnitude of a life on a tiny blog. Think of
it instead, my friend, as a jewel box full of gems you've chosen to spit on one
at a time then hold to the light.
Love,
Alana
31/08/2008
31/08/2008
* SI
QUIERES SABER DE QUÉ VA ESTO, ECHA UN VISTAZO A ESTA
ENTRADA.
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